My Cancer is Back

It's 12:40 am, the night before I am to have a lobectomy. I really thought I would be able to sleep, but sleep won't come. I had to wipe my skin with some antiseptic wipes and now my skin won't stop burning. I guess this is just the beginning of what is to come.

I had a routine CATscan a few weeks ago, and it showed a 2 mm growth in the original tumor in my lung. So I had a PETscan to get further clarification. The PETscan showed that cells are active. Dr. Kim told me that she could not be certain it meant cancer because it is so small. She said she has seen things like this before that actually shrank back down and disappeared. A biopsy would be necessary to tell for sure what it was.

I waited over a week before I finally heard back from Dr. Kim. She told me the first surgeon she talked to said he could not perform a biopsy. The tumor is too small and the area too complicated. So she referred me to Dr. Mitruka, a heart surgeon. I met with Dr. Mitruka just this last Thursday. Sue Weitzel came with me. I was anxious to hear what he had to say about the biopsy. But he did not talk about a biopsy. He said, "We already know what it is, what is the point?" He recommended a lobectomy - the removal of the middle lobe in my right lung where the tumor is, along with all of the surrounding lymph nodes. I was quite stunned to hear him say this. This is NOT what I was expecting to hear! Time froze. I tried to focus. To hear what he was saying. When you receive news like that out of the blue it is hard to comprehend what is being said. So many thoughts went through my head. "What does that mean? Will I ever run again? This means the cancer is back. Mike should be here with me." Dr. Mitruka went on to explain the surgery. He said he hopes to be able to get all of the middle lobe, but there is a possibility he may not be able to. All of the radiation I had may have caused a lot of scarring in my lung. The scarring can cause the lobes to fuse together, making it impossible to separate them. He will not know until he opens me up and sees my lung.

So tomorrow morning at 10:30 am we will find out. I will lay on my left side and the doctor will cut a four inch incision across my side. He will spread my ribs to get to the lung. I will be in the hospital for two to three days. I will have a tube hooked up to my side for drainage. It all sounds awful. I know people go through surgeries like this all the time, but it is still frightening. Not knowing what to expect and wondering how much pain I will be in is frightening.

I have so many people praying for me. I am blessed to have so many good friends. I have not been overly stressed by all of this. Maybe because I have already been down this road. Maybe because I am not surprised the cancer is trying to come back. Maybe because God is covering me. Or maybe I am just in denial over it all. I really haven't stopped to reflect on how I feel about it all. In all reality, it's quite annoying. I have a life. I have a job. I have a family to take care of. I have a 16 year old daughter who has discovered love for the first time. I don't have time for cancer.

It's 1:15 am. My skin has calmed down. I think I am ready to sleep.

This is my favorite song right now from Mikeschair:

"I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You"